In praise of vulnerable leaders: inspired by my (s)hero, Brené Brown
If you haven’t picked up Brené Brown’s new book, Dare to Lead, which just came out recently, my first piece of advice is to get a copy and you’re welcome!!!! In it, she shares research and practical tactical advice on how to be an exceptional leader. On her Dare to Lead hub she writes: “I’ve spent twenty years studying courage, vulnerability, shame, and empathy, and I recently completed a seven-year study on brave leadership. Leadership is not about titles or the corner office. It’s about the willingness to step up, put yourself out there, and lean into courage. The world is desperate for braver leaders. It’s time for all of us to step up.” So in honor of Brené’s wonderful leadership, I thought I’d dig in.
I’m sorry, did you say vulnerability? To some, this idea of being vulnerable as a leader is completely bananas. Afterall, some of us were raised with the idea of a “stiff upper lip” and “strong, decisive type” as an archetype in what many consider to be what a real leader is. Yet what I appreciate and connect to most in a leader is in those moments where someone lets their guard down and shows joy, fear, nervousness, etc. Where I see they are human.
Are you a robot or are you real? I remember a particular time when I was working on a project building new technology, and just about everything we were doing was brand new (in other words, terrifying). Our original leader only wanted to hear about results and solutions, not problems and concerns (her words). She wanted us to be machines (also her words). The team was anxious because there was a lot we didn’t know how to do yet. The end users were anxious because we were changing something they were used to— which also made our team nervous. Morale was at an all time low, and the work began to suffer. In response, a new leader was assigned, and he immediately set out to share with people who he was as a whole person, which made everyone feel more comfortable pursuing this uncharted path.
Would you ever have the nerve to do this? In one case he shared a story about how his kids started packing his lunch with approved “cheat treats” because when he’s nervous he eats his emotions. And then he went on to explain key issues on the project that were scary to him (while pulling from his bag and then eating his allotted hershey’s kiss—we all died laughing because we felt the same way!) That was not easy for him. He was worried about people judging him about his struggles with stress and diet, or even appearing weak (particularly what his own bosses would think). He was so brave then and so many other times. We all felt it, and respected him for it. The result was we felt more comfortable raising concerns, and especially supporting one another (hershey’s kisses were shared often). We delivered that project ahead of schedule, to spec, and under budget.
Go forth and be brave. Be vulnerable. It’s the bravest thing you can do. What are you afraid of? For me it’s disappointing someone, or hurting their feelings when I have constructive feedback to give. But I think of those silences, those resentments I feel (and they must sense) when I create distance because I’m afraid to tell someone they didn’t hit the mark on something. Will they be mad at me when I tell them? Did I hurt their feelings? Will they retaliate? I’m scared but here’s what I do. I take a couple of deep breaths, focus my energy on the deep care and respect I feel for the person, and then tell them what I really think. I try to think of those words as a gift to the person and investment in their future self where they get to see something they might not have known before. I also make sure to not just do a hit and run, but return to the person to make sure they know I’m still with them and as invested as ever (over and over). Sometimes I even bring a hershey’s kiss to sweeten the deal.
It doesn’t get easier. I walk into a situation afraid of breaking something precious to me, my relationship and connection to a colleague or friend. Brené says it best. “Giving feedback is incredibly vulnerable for this reason: If you’re giving good feedback, you should not be able to script what’s going to happen when you sit down with someone. You should be willing to be able to hear.” I don’t want to be alone on taking steps to be a more daring leader. Join me. And reach out to share your own first steps and lessons!
