Leaders: The case for saying what you mean

My joke (okay it's funny, but I'm serious as all get-out) to people is with me, there is no subtext, only text. I wasn't always this way. Early in my career I was a people pleaser. I wanted to say what you wanted to hear, bury my frustration in politeness, stay behind the scenes and whisper to others to try to solve a problem even if something needed correcting. Even if someone outright asked me what I thought. I was polite. Ironically, I would get frustrated that people weren't being direct with me, that I had to spend an awful lot of energy reading between the lines. And I have enough going on in my life that wasting time on wondering "Is that person mad at me?" or "Did they really think it was a great job or was it a platitude?" was killing my good night's sleep. So I learned to embrace asking for directness and giving directness as well. It changed everything for me for the better. Here's how I do it.

But first, the case for being direct. I know that I have real, authentic connections with friends, family and colleagues, which makes me feel great. I know I can make mistakes and learn from them, with support and guidance from people I know and admire, and I don't waste time reading minds (too draining) or wondering what I'm missing. Nuance and subtlety are great in art and novels, but in friendships and working relationships? Quite the opposite. Being clear and being able to focus on improvement, learning and being present makes my work great and my happiness high. So though it may sting to hear you had spinach in your teeth, it's way better to floss and fix it early on!

Start with good energy. I know this sounds pretty touchy-feely, but it's best to be direct when your intentions are to be positive, supportive and caring. Maybe skip the bitter colleague in your office to test this way of being out on. It doesn't work as well if you don't trust the person (or they don't trust you.) Having strong psychological safety is key. Years ago, I was working on a big presentation, and was very nervous about presenting to senior leaders. I went in and did my part, and afterwards my boss took me aside, told me the points I nailed, and gave me direct feedback on ways to improve my delivery. While I felt disappointed in myself I wasn't perfect, once he pointed out my nervous tic, I was so grateful to know about it and then address it. He was coming from a good place, wanted me to be my best, and took the time, with little fanfare and BS, to just tell me the good and the bad. He had good energy, and he was direct. I so appreciated this approach, and have sought to emulate it. So when I give feedback to people, I make sure I am not angry, or frustrated, or feeling anything other than wanting that person to know and feel my support and investment in their success. When I say, "you trailed off at the end, work on sticking the landing next time," I'm not saying it to be mean. I'm giving them something straight forward that they can react to and improve upon.

Make it a practice in private and public (and be clear on which venue is best for your message). Years ago, in a performance evaluation, my mentor gave me feedback (one on one): you have great ideas, but you never share them in the meetings (which were raucous debates). Get your voice heard. Truth be told I was intimidated by the meetings, and felt the rapid debates were nerve wracking. His feedback was extremely helpful. For one thing, I did have great ideas, and I was spending an awful lot of time after meetings following up with people to get my points across in a less confrontational (in my mind) way. I decided to take the leap and start being direct in a timely way as asked. I would call people out (with positive energy of course) on ideas which were derailers (thank goodness for the "parking lot") and build on something someone said (making sure to give them credit) and highlight any ways to make it better. The result was we went from a team full of lots of scattered ideas, to a high-performing team who delivered, because we were all engaged and being direct with each other. The other piece I became good at was when and where to be direct. Challenging project ideas or work product belongs in the public domain (driving the project forward.) Telling a person to they should focus on something developmentally (stop with the 10 point font slides please!) probably belongs in a quick and straight forward private discussion.

Own being direct and invite people in. I learned that letting people know I am direct, and that I prefer directness, and asking and reinforcing it sets the tone and keeps it going. Some people might being uncomfortable at first. I remember a time when I had joined a team with many others and had a wonderful person who was the veteran. We all got together early on for a 2-day planning session, and proceeded to hash out ideas and dream big. For the legacy person, this was taken as criticism of what was done in the past, and made her feel terrible. And for the newbies, we were so focused on our shiny new things, we didn't take the time to get to know the context and history of what's been done. We all felt the tension, and pretended it wasn't there. I decided to try the direct approach, and called it like I saw it with the team, and then with individuals who might have specific blindspots privately. I started with okay, I'm a person who likes to lay the laundry on the table, wash it, dry it, sort it and then put it a way neatly folded (I hate doing laundry. Terrible metaphor.).

Here's what I see and how I think we might want to adjust not only our agenda, but how we discuss things. And for the individual who was smarting, I sat and said I totally get that you're getting smooshed, but you should still walk back in that room, put a smile on your face, and make your voice heard. It diffused the tension. Later when we spoke about it she said it was excruciating to hear and do, but it ended up becoming a learning experience and non-event once she adjusted based on the direct feedback. and over time, she melded and bonded with the newbies and was able to apply her own directness to the mix to help drive initiatives forward.

Shifting to this approach is scary and sometimes painful. There will be people who don't want to work that way, (and that's okay) and not every topic needs addressing (so what if my son intentionally mismatches his socks?). But modeling sharing what I think, not bottling up the big things, and trusting people to hear my true thoughts has been a wonderful and transformative way of being. I am a happy person, because I'm not worrying about what's not being said. And I think my work is better (and I am SUPER FAST) because I am clear on what is expected and how to adjust and improve something I'm working on. I work hard to communicate so my team trusts me and respects my integrity and knows my heart is in the right place. I encourage you to try it if you haven't, and name it and own it if you do. The benefits are well worth it!