This Mother's Day, I celebrate my friends

Mother's Day should be the day when I celebrate all the wonderful mothers in my life who inspire me and my family. But I have been thinking a lot about my friends and how much they mean to me, even though I am an absentee friend most of the time.

There have been numerous books which talk about the myth of having it all and doing it all. Tiffany Dufu's Drop the Ball was something I devoured in one sitting. And I follow her insights and career (I love you Tiffany!!!!) on her blog and in her videos. She encourages all of us to pick our higher purpose, let others in to help us, and to stop beating ourselves up for not being perfect. I seek out these books because I am still, many years later, trying to figure out how to make my time count.

This week's blog post is a bit of a mea culpa to the friends who I have huge love for, but who I woefully neglect. Even in my best of times, I am a terrible correspondent. My job has me wearing a headset all day, so I hate talking on the phone while not in the office. Email is another no-no for me. I am drowning in it. And then texting is workable, but frankly there is only so much texting I can do beyond the hellos and transactional "read this informative article and/or check out this adorable pair of shoes." My dear friends will tell you that I am largely absent from their day-to-day lives. But I still feel a connection to them and when I do see them, it feels awesome! Here's a tribute to the neglected people who (I hope) still love me as I definitely still love them, despite me being a friend "who goes dark" for extremely large chunks of time.

MAKE PEOPLE FEEL LIKE FAMILY

Kevin and Daniel Davis, "My Other Husbands" (also known as my sister wives in some circles). It started years ago when I was a completely well-adjusted teenager (not!) and my Gap store manager asked me on an early Sunday morning to help with Inventory at another Gap in a much cooler part of town. That is when I met Kevin and we became fast friends. I brought him homemade fudge (he hates fudge) to show him my devotion to him. After college we were roommates in Chicago and by all accounts I was a terrible roommate. Messy, took up too much room with my stuff. But I would cook (and he would clean) and somehow we survived. Years later we landed in New York, not as roommates, but as dear friends and spent lots of time hanging out. We each fell in love, got married, the whole she-bang. When Kevin and Daniel were moving from one apartment to another they stayed with us in our pretty messy basement. Let me just say it was some of the happiest memories for our family. It was maybe 4-6 weeks, but it flew by. Everyday felt like we were greeted with signature cocktails thanks to Daniel, our house was spotless thanks to Kevin, and our kids had a blast waking up their Uncles very early each morning to play. We never wanted them to leave. We can go months (boo!) without talking, but then we see each other and have a blast. My Takeaway? Make people feel special and loved when you're with them. Small details make all the difference.

CHAMPION THROUGH EMPATHY

Marirose Occhiogrosso, literally a therapist by vocation, has long been one of the most kind and generous people I know. From the moment I met her in Chicago, she was a great listener and was so present and real in her feelings and advice. I moved away to Montreal, but we remained friends and had a lovely reunion in Brooklyn for some years. She always shared great food, lots of laughs and still that unlimited empathy as I navigated career and personal bumps. One favorite moment was when we decided to do the Bike New York 50 mile ride together. I was in charge of snacks, and she remained patient as I wanted to stop every 5 minutes to munch on something. We finished, and sat together in my apartment with our Chinese takeout pleased as punch. So exhausted we fell asleep sitting-up mid-sentence on my sofa. Another time I dragged her to a college reunion in Vermont for leaf peeping in the fall, where we slept outside in the mountains, and used a "humanure composting toilet." We decided to hike up a mountain, and again I was in charge of food, so I had the kitchen supply us with bagels, peanut butter, tomatoes, granola, you name it. We made it to the top but OH MY WORD was it hard. The leaves were gorgeous. We each ate 4 bagels. And when we made it back we were again so happy and exhausted we barely made it to dinner (to this day this cracks me up that dinner was considered after that many bagels) and then enjoyed the sauna, a freezing dip in the lake, and slept through breakfast and practically lunch the next day. All the while we talk about our dreams, our family and the beauty in the world that we cherish like art and music. And though I don't see or talk to Marirose as often as I should, each time I've seen her has been so fun and nourishing. My Takeaway? Empathy is everything. Push yourself to experience the beauty in the world, and of course always have a snack strategy!

STAY CURIOUS, OWN YOUR INTELLECT

I loved living in Montreal. And I think it's because I lived the good life while at McGill hanging with my dear friend Anne Trepanier. She is brilliant-- like published professor with a PhD, multilingual brilliant. She is constantly learning as well which makes her fun to be with. We first met on the first day of class. She caught a bus from Quebec City to Montreal, and as she was moving, had full bags of stuff for her new apartment which she brought directly from the bus station to class. I offered to help her carry her bags wherever, and we became instant friends. My French was still rusty after having lived in the US for a bit, so I warned her that mid conversation I might just stop talking because my language wall was hit. She thought I was exaggerating until said wall appeared and silence (on my side) ensued. I would call her to make plans and then flub the etiquette for getting off the phone in French. (For those of you who don't speak French, it's a long dance of compliments. "No it was my pleasure to speak with you! The honor of speaking with you is incredible I can't wait until we speak again!... and so on....Until next time!" Versus in English where you say. "OK. Talk to you later. Buuuyeeeee!!!!!") She somehow found it charming. We explored the city together and I marveled at her endless energy. She was constantly busy. I can't remember every activity she was in, but it was a LOT, rowing lessons, theater, violin, it just goes on. She lived this way because she is infinitely curious and open. And I absolutely love that I got to experience Montreal with that lens. Later, she and her wonderful husband Louis (I accidentally crashed their first date) moved to New York with their then little son Leonard (he's a teenager now, I just can't even) and had their daughter Eve after a pretty epic Halloween celebration. I learned about being a working mom from Anne. She is engaged, curious, and so generous in her work and personal life. Her students must adore her, because she gives so much. And she gives that energy and engagement to her online courses as well. We visited Anne and family last year in Rome. Talk about heaven! Anne took charge like the historian she is, and gave us such a wonderful experience of her adopted city. We learned so much as we enjoyed each day full of beautiful art, delicious gelato, and an aperitif (of course.) But most of all, I enjoyed seeing Anne shine as a true intellectual, and find joy in helping others learn, and soaking up experiences every day. Louis will always be a legend for those cannolis from Sicily (Damn you Louis, nothing tastes as good!). And the summer connections at L'ile d'Orleans have become loving family memories. My Takeaway? Embrace learning in all aspects of your life. And share what you learn with others. Own your intellectual side. It's a wonderful thing and nourishes you.

MAKE A DIFFERENCE IN YOUR COMMUNITY AND THE WORLD

Few people walk the talk like Mia Banner. She is an amazing friend, aunt, sister, daughter, colleague and lives her life with such intention and thoughtfulness on how to make the world and her community a better place. We first met in 1999 and were assigned to the same team. We work-traveled together, and learned and juggled as partners on our projects. (She would hate all this praise. She's incredibly generous in her praise and love of others, but humble about how wonderful she is.) I looked up to her from the start. She has tons of experience and is incredibly observant and intuitive, so could navigate our sometimes complicated project dynamics to help make sure we were packing a punch. She is also incredibly funny with an amazing memory. So we had (still have) running gags and jokes which would have everyone in tears with laughter. She has been my dear friend from day 1. She listened as I used to swoon and drone on about how cute my crush was (who I eventually married. She deserves a medal for her patience). Even when we no longer worked together or even lived in the same city we still leaned on each other. One of my hands down favorite memories was a night we went to see a concert at Celebrate Brooklyn. I packed a killer picnic (do you all see a theme here?) and we sat and sang to Guster, Ben Folds Five, and Barenaked Ladies. BEST. NIGHT. EVER. It was magical and everything that I love about living in Brooklyn. And Mia schlepped from Manhattan to be there. Mia volunteers, lives a lifestyle respectful of animal kind, and is involved in groups supporting people and communities for equal justice. Recently I talked her into coming to Puerto Rico on a last minute trip over winter break (okay, it was a mileage run... Delta knows how to hook me!) and we even visited the Ricky Martin Foundation which was so inspiring. It was so special to relax, explore, and enjoy meeting the lovely people of San Juan. Mia has become a really dedicated yoga practitioner (#lifegoals) and is the first person to suggest we hang out by chilling out and just enjoying our friendship. Mia makes a difference everyday in people's lives in large and small ways, and makes it easy for anyone to join in. My Takeaway? Live your values. Be comfortable in your own skin. Find the humor in the everyday things. And I need to call Mia and schedule some pampering PDQ!