Team Conflict Resolution: They are not gonna like it. What next?
I am a person who doesn’t like being blindsided, but who dreads disappointing someone and would rather things just magically sort themselves out when I’m in the hot seat to give feedback. It’s a pretty wacky balancing act. What do you do when there is something you know might mildly disappoint or majorly devastate someone? Here’s my tips on delivering difficult news.
Don’t assume. I am the type of person who tries to think about what people care about and the reality is I don’t always have the best read. Conversely, there have been times I think something isn’t a big deal as I’m just trying to get through whatever 29 steps and out of nowhere someone is upset about something that I didn’t see coming. Put people first. A couple of years ago I had to run a semi-annual meeting (which I had run many times before) and began building the agenda and experience. I was plugging through that process and making great progress. I shared what I had worked on and was met with silence from my team. Something in my gut told me the silence wasn’t acceptance. I reached out to the committee leads and other key members. I asked for their feedabck and revisions. Thank goodness I did that! They raised key concerns I wasn’t tuned into. I can’t tell you how many times this has happened to me. We move quickly. You probably aren’t as attuned to what people are thinking as you need to be.
Reach out and connect. This sounds easy, but can cause lots of angst, especially if you are tuned into the tension your message might cause. I remember when I was overseeing $1/2 billion budget process for a large technology build across dozens of programs where their ask was higher than our budget. I was constantly in a position of having to deliver bad news and I agonized over it. I knew the frustration of the request process when I had been a program manager myself jumping through hoops to prove each line item mattered. I witnessed how people were pitted against each other to compete for a fixed number none of us were explicitly given. I decided to swallow my discomfort and try to be more transparent. I personally spoke with each person and laid out the target for savings and asked each program manager to return with their own priority list based on our goals, encouraging people to collaborate with other PMs to find ways to stretch their budget. The result was that though we had a 30% savings target, we only had to reduce scope by 11%. By personally connecting with people, it created an environment where people were motivated to go beyond their silos and trust each other.
Listen and reflect. I’ve stepped away from my to-do list and zeroed out my assumptions. I psyched myself into picking up the phone and saying something that could upset someone even though I knew it was the right thing to do. On to the next thing, yes? Almost. What I have to do each time is remind myself to regroup and try to hear and empathize with their point of view. This is often completely skipped by people because, well we’re all busy and it’s sometimes stressful so let’s just move on already. I remember when I was helping someone work with a new product we launched, and I had to share the news that some of the features the users wanted were not coming in this release. We were told these end users weren’t focused on the release. We learned they were. I shared the bad news that these features they needed weren’t included. Then I paused and truly listened and understood how this disappointment impacted them. I got into the “why” in great detail. I wasn’t defensive. I didn’t make promises I couldn’t keep. But I made sure people knew I heard them and I’d try to resolve and stay close to helping them as much as I could.
We know those moments when we’re heads down and our spidey sense tells us people aren’t going to like something. Be bold and brave. Don’t assume everything is okay, or that you know what is important to someone. Jump in and personally connect, and please don’t send an email! And when you do connect, make sure you are open to learning about their frustrations and paint points. Be authentic and dig in! Even when delivering challenging news, these interactions can result in trusting connections.
