Sisterhood and the Queen Bee
Throughout my life I’ve longed for sisterhood and aspired to give unwavering loyalty to my friends. But I have been stung more than once by women who take mean girl to a whole new level. And I'm not perfect either. I sadly must own that early in my career, insecure and ambitious, I approached one of my roles with big intensity and little empathy, without regard to the impact on others. I feel deep regret for this. A couple years back I got a name for what I had been experiencing thanks to a Wall Street Journal article penned by Dr. Peggy Drexler (you rock my world Dr. D!!!!) and it has since shaped how I conduct myself and view others. Here's what I learned.
First Dr. Drexler frames what a Queen Bee is:
"The female boss who not only has zero interest in fostering the careers of women who aim to follow in her footsteps, but who might even actively attempt to cut them off at the pass.”
The term "queen bee syndrome" was coined in the 1970s, following a study led by researchers at the University of Michigan— Graham Staines, Toby Epstein Jayaratne and Carol Tavris —who examined promotion rates and the impact of the women's movement on the workplace. In a 1974 article in Psychology Today, they presented their findings, based on more than 20,000 responses to reader surveys in that magazine and Redbook. They found that women who achieved success in male-dominated environments were at times likely to oppose the rise of other women. This occurred, they argued, largely because the patriarchal culture of work encouraged the few women who rose to the top to become obsessed with maintaining their authority.
Four decades later, the syndrome still thrives, given new life by the mass ascent of women to management positions. This generation of queen bees is no less determined to secure their hard-won places as alpha females. Far from nurturing the growth of younger female talent, they push aside possible competitors by chipping away at their self-confidence or undermining their professional standing. It is a trend thick with irony: The very women who have complained for decades about unequal treatment now perpetuate many of the same problems by turning on their own.”
I’m not special. All of us have had frenemies and colleagues with a side of toxic in our lives. It's in every industry, and at companies, large and small. And this lack of sisterhood ends up perpetuating already tough conditions in the workplace for women and people of color.
There are some people from the distant and not so distant past who stoke my anger and thoughts of sending bad vibes. And I wish I didn’t feel this way. Can I find compassion and empathy for the queen bees in my life? Here are some ideas I'd like to share as you think about focusing on sisterhood and creating a wonderful culture at work.
Be a connector. This first step is about breaking out of your comfort zone, broadening your network, and connecting. And most importantly, offering to give. Find someone new-- different from you-- and grab a coffee. Then get to know them and offer to be a resource.... ask them about their career/goals. One of the things that's important is to make sure your core group of colleagues isn't a closed network. Sure, they have your back and you can trust them, but let other people in your circle, and make them feel welcomed and valued. A great example of this is that I approached a new very senior women at my firm to ask her a favor on behalf of someone else. I "cold-called" her, and was a little nervous about bothering her since she's such an incredible talent and executive. Not only did she respond immediately and positively, but she said yes to coffee! And then I could also offer her something. What I learned was that since she was new, she really appreciated having someone as a resource and friend. She valued that I opened my network to her. We have since stayed connected, and I am so happy to give her whatever I can to help her get established, and I also get a new amazing super inspiring friend. This creates a positive, inclusive culture, and fosters a sense of belonging. For me this is a great antidote to the Queen Bee. Which brings me to another idea....
Don't feed the bee. The challenges of having a toxic boss are big and messy. I’m going to table that one. So let's focus on Queen Bee colleagues. Because the challenges of having a toxic colleague are also messy and miserable. And what I have learned is that sometimes those people are feeding off of the attention and power they get. Here's a story and some takeaways. Years ago, I was given a new assignment. Unbeknownst to me, another woman had been doing that role. I didn't even know her. But from the moment I started working in that role (and she was placed in another), she made every moment of my life difficult. She provided incomplete information during the transition, would circulate rumors about me, and made sure everyone knew she didn't like me. I will hereby admit that I really wanted and hoped I could win her over. I got her a gift, invited her for coffee, went out of my way to try to connect. It only made it worse. So finally I decided to step away and remain professional. She still acted out, but I was no longer feeding the bee, and eventually she became less hostile. Years later, I am at peace with her. We are not friends, but I feel empathy for her. With distance, I realized she was hurting after losing her assignment, and unable to lash out at her bosses... and voila I was the perfect target! Ironically, the more I tried to connect with her, the more frustrated she became because she was raw and needing distance. So when in doubt, if you have a colleague making you miserable, it might be worth trying to stay neutral, hang back, and avoid feeding the bee.
How have you handled Queen Bees? How do you create a culture of sisterhood?
