Priorities: Saying no to get what you want
Being a generalist has its perks and pitfalls. On the one hand, I’m super interested in a wide variety of topics, and try to keep a broad set of hard and soft skills fresh which keeps me on my toes. The downside is if I spread myself too thin, I’ll find myself full of headlines and not a lot of depth. This has been a life-long balancing act. My secret for navigating it, which I got from great advice from my dad, has served me well in this and other areas. His advice was, instead of getting caught up and overwhelmed by the broad choices of things you can do and focus on, be very clear on what you don’t want to do, and say no to it. So, this post will explore saying no with ways you can apply it to your own life. The idea is if you steer clear of distractions, you have more time and energy to focus on what you care about. Simple, right? Not as much as you’d think.
Break the curse of the people pleaser. Early in my career, I struggled with confidence, and worried about saying the wrong thing. I would second guess my decisions, and often hang back in meetings and let others pipe in with their ideas. I was a people pleaser. I had great ideas, but I was paralyzed with worry about offending someone. I desperately wanted to change. I decided I would start by focusing on letting people know what I felt we should avoid. This seemed like an easy first step. In one meeting, people were discussing a direction for redesigning a website, and I noticed that it was very complicated to do the most common task, so I piped in and pointed out we should avoid burying this important function. Quickly, I moved from my “saying no” tactic to offering focus and direction on how to drive impact. But I never would have gotten there without being clear with myself and others what my “let’s not do that” feedback was.
Say no to jobs or projects (or even conditions) that don’t fit. So for some people this sounds like a “well duh!” and for people like me, this sounds crazy. I graduated college during a recession and have a mindset that getting an opportunity to work is not something to take for granted. I am not entitled. I would do just about any job (and enjoy it) if I think I can do it well. Maybe that’s why I haven’t shied away from the pendulum swings of my career pivots? It’s not unusual for me to walk into a new project or position, wholly green. I am often scared to pieces about making such a change. So much could go wrong. But still I have made some pretty big changes and even as I was straining up my learning curve, I was grounded in making it work. That said, I generally assume if something is a serious opportunity, I should probably take it. And when I do say no, it’s not lightly and it fills me with angst. What if something like this doesn’t come along again? What if they stop asking me to try new things? What if I offend someone by saying no and damage the relationship? What if I regret it and when I see someone else crushing it? The list of what if’s goes on and on. But I learned the hard way the costs of saying yes to something that wasn’t the right project. Early in my career, I should have said no to taking on a new project. I was frustrated that things were shifting on my old project, and when I voiced my concerns, my managers offered me a chance to jump to something new. I took it because I was afraid of saying no, even though I felt in my gut I had more to do on my current team. I did fine in the new work, but looked over my shoulder constantly because I was way more interested in the old work and old challenges. I lost the momentum I had built on one team, and had to start back over, somewhat deflated. This lesson stuck with me years later. I should have said no. I learned to never make a move again without first feeling I was ready to shift, and then making sure where I was going made sense for both sides. This is particularly true of conditions (eg flexible work arrangements, title, etc) which might seem selfish or small to others (but critical to you.)
Own your weaknesses. Nobody is perfect. And if someone looks too good to be true they probably are. I’ve got high energy and enthusiasm that can distract people from evaluating my fit for the role. So I have learned over time to tell people where I am not interested in developing, or where I am not as strong. I’m not super woman. I can’t fly and see through walls with my x-ray eyes. (I do, however, make a mean roast chicken.) I have taken this mantra of “this is what’s wrong with me” to extremes. I have tried to talk people out of hiring me and even once went so far as to compose an email with a bulleted list of my developmental areas entitled: “don’t hire me because….” (True story!!!!) I do this because I want to establish up front what I struggle with so the team knows if this is acceptable or a liability. My desire to work fast and miss correcting one or two typos in an email would probably make a team of editors/journalists crazy, for example. I also want to be able to be my true, authentic self. I want them to know me and trust me, so being vulnerable and real about what I’m not good at has been a way to build trust and gauge whether this working relationship makes sense to invest in further.
The best way I've found to hone in on my passion and purpose is to avoid things that I don’t want to do. While easy in practice, I have found many people find it hard to do. Not only do I feel more grounded in the wide open road ahead, but I feel authentic and whole. I try to give meaningful advice and engagement by letting people know what I like and dislike about an idea. This was not easy for me to do at first. I have also learned to give myself permission and agency to politely decline projects and roles which don’t fit, even if I'm nervous about the fallout of turning someone down. Finally, I am clear with people that I am an imperfect, well intentioned person, so they understand my developmental areas and can be candid with me on friction this might cause and help me improve. I hope you can make room for your passion and the things that matter to you by giving yourself permission to politely decline distractions and detours.
