Lightening My Emotional Load
My best friend marvels that I tend to hit reset on frustrations, grudges, bad days and the like. The truth is, I feel setbacks deeply, and sometimes it’s easier than others to let go of a tense moment with a colleague, or a miss on a deliverable. Yet I will tell you that when I’m able to do it, I feel so much better, lighter even. I can fill my days with positive, productive conversations and engagements and it just feels better to lose the baggage and focus on what I enjoy. I’ve often just assumed this is “just the way I’m wired,” but upon further reflection, I have started to realize that I put in some real work as I seek to lighten my emotional load. Here’s what I do.
Not all hurts, setbacks or conflicts are created equal. The first thing I try to do is see if I put the hurt or setback in context. Is this just my inner critic wishing I was perfect? Could it be that people are just stressed about a deadline and therefore none of us are our best selves (#StormingIsReal)? Most of the time, taking a step back and reflecting on what might be happening that is bigger than me helps me think more clearly about what actually matters and what I want to do about it.
Sleep on It. Advice from my mom and dad and every wise platitude. But it’s amazing how your adrenaline can kick in and let those emotions go all over the place. Think of sleep on it as a metaphor, sometimes I need DAYS to cool down and get to a place where I can objectively reflect. Most of all, don’t hit send on an email right away if you’re upset. Give yourself space to focus on what the real issues are and how you might want to tackle it. I can’t tell you how many times after a good night’s sleep and a cup of coffee I feel quite awesome and have totally gotten over yesterday’s madness.
Talk it out. Do you have a group of people who tell you there is spinach in your teeth? They listen and let you “get it out of your system?” Then call them up and share what’s weighing you down. Bonus points if you have a counselor, coach or someone who you regularly engage with to support your well being. My friends know sometimes I just have to let it out of my system before I can move on.
Try to listen to understand. Particularly when the setback or challenge is weighing on me, it almost always involves someone else. And at least for me I often bring lots of assumptions which fuel the miscommunication (which let’s face it, it’s almost ALWAYS a miscommunication.) So when I set time to chat with a person I might have conflict with, I go in trying to have a blank piece of paper and start to explore where the person is coming from, what they are thinking, so I can align and hit reset. Sometimes it involves sharing and being vulnerable, and sometimes it involves giving the person the benefit of the doubt that they have good intentions. Regardless, go back to the basics. What are we trying to achieve? What would make this successful? What challenges do you see? What concerns you?
Focus on what you can control. I’m not going to snap my fingers and bring world peace, so I instead focus on being kind and giving people compassion and empathy. Sure I get frustrated by decisions “from the top” I may not agree with, but generally speaking I make a joke, think about small things I can do to make a difference, and move on.
Take stock of your gratitude list. I am a very new meditator so don’t necessarily have advice there other than it’s helpful to me. But I certainly journal, and in each of these endeavors I focus on the good things. Gratitude is how I start and end my day. Even the worst of setbacks I make a practice of waking up and taking stock of what and whom I am grateful for, and same before I go to sleep. Could things be better? Always, and I’ll work on getting better, but I also feel lifted by the family, friends, colleagues, neighbors… you get the idea.
