Let’s celebrate men who support women’s advancement

My career and life are pretty awesome and that’s thanks to the support and generosity of women and men personally and professionally. I have spent a lot of time thinking and writing about sisterhood and ways to help women and people of color get better access to opportunities and then thrive. And I want to take a moment and talk about the role guys play as mentors, friends, supporters and champions. I’m personally very heartened by the open conversations taking place to help bring to light challenges and inequities faced in many (who am I kidding, basically all the) industries. But I feel it’s important to acknowledge and highlight the wonderful allies and all around good dudes out there with tips on how you can be a great partner. We couldn’t do what we do without everyone engaging and caring about us.

Men make great mentors for women. It’s amazing to me how much better my work is when I collaborate with some who looks at the world differently than me, and some of my most impactful mentors have been men. A couple years back I started working for what could only be described as my polar opposite. Where my boss was quiet, I am loud (he would have to lower the volume on his headset every time we spoke on the phone). He is tall, I am short. He is cautious and exacting, and I am splashy and a big picture kind of gal. You get the point. I often felt nervous about what he would think about my big personality and approach to work. But he was a great boss and a transformational mentor. For one thing, I could be myself, and he was direct and thoughtful in giving me feedback and suggestions. I never had to guess what he thought of something, he didn’t like it, he just told me. And his points of view were so extremely helpful. I was able to grow a lot in the role. And he helped push me to move out of my comfort zone. Oftentimes men see their careers and the world differently than women. I remember I once told him I saw myself as an amazing #2 and he immediately shot back, “why don’t you strive to be the #1? Seems like you could do it.” This was something I hadn’t ever considered. I’ve heard talk of how men are worried about mentoring women in light of the #metoo movement. And I hope that is not the case. The benefits of mentoring someone who comes from a different background and sees the world differently are huge. Roll up your sleeves and engage. We need you!

Since men are in more senior positions, we need you as sponsors. It’s that simple. I would encourage guys to look at the talent around them and actively find a diverse group of people to sponsor. What do I mean by this? Shine a light on their accomplishments, highlight their potential to your peers and bosses, put their name up for big assignments and put muscle into their success. Some of the big breaks in my career have happened thanks to men who have talked up my work to others. At one point a sponsor found a spot for me on his team during a transition when my old team was disbanded, then continually pushed to give me big projects and then showcased my work to his boss and colleagues. And he’s done that for so many people. He’s been a positive force and extremely thoughtful about wanting people to be their best selves. I remember once at a meeting I quietly watched as people vigorously debated the pros and cons of a strategy. After the meeting I followed up with people to share my thoughts. He immediately took me aside and insisted I show up to the meeting and speak my mind. Even if he disagreed with my views, he wanted me to get in the thick of the discussion and share. And from that moment on he made a point of asking me in meetings what I thought to push me to let people know what I had to say. That sponsorship was something I didn’t even know existed. But it made a big difference in my career. Women need men as sponsors. Find a person who is talented. Believe in their potential. Let others know what they can contribute to the organization.

Men make great learning partners and colleagues. Let’s face it, most of us are thrown in the deep end on a new project or with a new boss or technology. And we learn through that experience of trial and error. But having a strong network of people to lean on as you learn— what are you reading, listening to, or watching to stay up to date on a topic? I had a boss I haven’t worked with for years, but he is my learning buddy. He’s often the first person I come to with a challenge, or the person I want to brainstorm with. He’s incredibly generous with his time (he’s a good listener, I’m an amazing talker) and suggestions. And he’s curious and good at breaking down a challenge into steps that make it solvable. We don’t work on the same things, so that makes it even better as we can coach each other and push ideas further. Do you have a learning partner? This is a great way for men to support women in their careers, and it’s a win win for both sides.

Men can speak up as allies. The fact of the matter is it’s already awkward being the only or one of a few in a room full of (wonderful, brilliant) straight, white guys. And most people are well intentioned and well meaning. But sometimes things are said, or ideas pursued, that just don’t create an optimal experience of inclusion. If you notice it, speak up. Once I was in a meeting, and I was not only new to the team, but I was the only woman. The team could finish each other’s sentences, in acronyms no less. Every time I worked up the nerve to say something, they would interrupt me in fast-paced banter. I was utterly lost and anxious. So one of my male colleagues paused the meeting, asked them to slow down, and then called them out for being weirdos. The team immediately pivoted and we concluded with a great discussion. It was wonderful have someone watch the dynamic and gracefully course correct the issue. Not every correction has to be a big deal or a negative confrontation. In fact, coming from an ally, it can quickly give a new perspective to the group on something not working and then offer a new way to approach working with others. In many cases, it can create psychological safety because the team knows you are watching for the well being of everyone. So be an ally don’t be afraid to engage and speak up for people and show them your empathy and support.

Be a life partner. I heard some quote that one of the most important choices a woman can make in her career is choosing the right life partner (if in fact that’s what she ends up doing—plenty of happy single gals). I am going to be sentimental and say I have a wonderful partner. Not only is he a great husband and father, but he’s an incredibly supportive friend. There have been high points and low points in my career. Times when I have to work long hours and be on the road way too much. He’s a calm, steady force to keep things from getting too crazy. He’ll help with the kids homework, and iron on girlscout patches (the fact the he even knows where they are is impressive). He’ll listen to the endless stories of people he doesn’t know and stay firmly planted on my side. When I say I want to write a blog, he’s right there helping me figure it out. We each have our own interests and friends, but we like being with each other most. We recently got to go on a trip together which was a combo of work and fun. It was really wonderful, because we got to enjoy each other intellectually and experience a new culture. Being a good life partner to me is about having appreciation and empathy for your spouse or partner. Sure the house is a mess. And we sometimes have things slip through the cracks (those things always invoke an email we missed). But I consider my family my happy place, because we place value on being together. It makes it possible for me to push myself further in my job because I feel grounded at home.

Message why you help so others can join in. Here’s a friendly public service announcement. Please stop saying you’re helping women because you have a daughter or wife or mother or sister or niece or aunt and you just want to make the world better for her. It’s a pet peeve. Must we be related to people to have a reason to be a good guy? Why can’t we help people (who might be super different from us and not members of our family) because we care about people in general and we want our company to grow and the best way to do this is by recruiting a dynamic, diverse, talented group of people and creating opportunities for them to thrive and contribute? My guess is the answer is of course! But men often get up in front of a group of people (okay women) and use the “I have a daughter” speech on why this matters. What if instead the speech started with “I am successful leader because I am a great ally, sponsor and mentor to my team, and I especially make efforts to include women and minorities and do whatever I can to help them thrive.” Okay, needs word-smithing, but you get the picture. Just let people know that this advocacy and partnership is something you believe in and they should do it too.

Thanks guys, for everything you do to make my work and life great. I really couldn’t do it without you. So keep pushing, sponsoring, mentoring, speaking up, partnering, learning and supporting me. It really does make all the difference.