Leaders & Teams: The trap of “handling” someone versus giving candid feedback
I believe strongly that feedback is a gift. That said, not all feedback is equal. Enter the type of feedback which makes me crazy—what I call “handling.” I define being handled as someone giving me feedback with a twist of manipulation.
Handling someone kills psychological safety. So you are getting feedback and you can sense the person giving it has an agenda. You are not getting the full picture. You feel like more of a chess piece than a valued member of the team. Think about that time it’s happened to you. It made me feel like an outsider, infused doubt in my abilities and caused me to obsess over my blind spots. It is passive aggressive and inspires more passive aggressiveness, which further erodes trust on the team.
Handling happens everyday for a reason. That said I can absolutely see why managers fall into the trap every day, especially with the best of intentions. We don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings, or we’re strapped for time and need to put a happy spin on a bad message. Or we want to make sure management knows we are willing to toe the party line. And stay on message. The list goes on and on. But given how harmful it can be, there is most certainly a better way. Here are my tips to avoid the handling trap when giving feedback.
Give trust. I get it. There might be side conversations and politics which are driving a decision or point of view and some of those things are sensitive. When giving feedback, we can feel vulnerable. Or perhaps we’re concerned about disappointing our own boss if we don’t get whatever it is done in they way he or she wants. Our walls go up to protect ourselves. Here’s the thing: if you believe in this person, and want them to give their best, why not trust them to understand and empathize with the context? Break down that barrier which separates you from them and trust them to care not just about their own concerns and issues, but yours as well. You have to give trust to earn it.
If you have an agenda, own it. I once was working hard on something that I knew really mattered to my end users, and was asked to present some solutions to common issues they faced. The meeting went “fine,” with one person in particular downplaying the issues. I asked for feedback and was met with polite responses and requests to move on. Frustrated, I asked point blank, what was keeping us from committing to solving the problems? Finally one person from the meeting took me aside and explained that one of the leaders was trying to get a promotion for his person, and these issues made his person look bad. Ohhhhhhhhhhhh! That would have been helpful to know. Armed with this info, I was able to adjust my focus and better align with them for next meeting. Understanding that budgets are tight, or that leadership wants to change direction, or whatever might be happening behind the scenes is crucial information to the person receiving the feedback. Give them the full picture.
Work to understand. There is more than one way to view a situation. Context matters. Put yourself in the mindset to care about the person’s point and view and feelings who is receiving feedback. This sounds super simplistic, but it’s often the most missed part of giving feedback which leads to handling. If you are so focused on what you want to say or not say, you’re missing out on valuable connection and learning.
We all want to work at a place where we can trust the people we work with—not just to do their best and deliver amazing work, but to be candid with you when things aren’t working. Think of how much time and angst can be saved? Let’s leave the handling to Olivia Pope.
