3 ways to become a more self-aware leader
I can't say I've cornered the market on self-awareness, but I do make an effort to get better at it. In a quick search for a synonym for the word self-aware, I found the antonyms more illuminating: clueless, oblivious, uninformed, unsophisticated, foolhardy, foolish, ignorant, thoughtless. Clearly we want to be leaders who are "not (any of) that." But too often, self-awareness is rare in a leader, especially the more power, influence and seniority a leader has.
One piece that really brought this to light was the Wall Street Journal's "How Bosses Waste Their Employees’ Time." Robert Sutton starts with the punchy: "Leaders don’t mean to waste their employees’ time. Unfortunately, many of them heap unnecessary work on the people below them in the pecking order—and are downright clueless that they’re doing it." (Notice the word clueless is the first word in my "opposite of self-aware" list?) I loved this article. I think we all have a version of the blueberry muffin story in our careers.
HBR Ideacast had a recent podcast episode on "How to Become More Self-Aware" which I found particularly helpful. One thing that struck me is many people think of themselves as self-aware, when in fact they are not. Tasha Eurich, featured in this podcast and author of the book Insight, shares that few people are truly self-aware, and those who are don’t get there through introspection. So writing in your journal, recording yourself and then watching the replay, none of this truly helps you see past your own blind spots. A few years back, I decided I wanted to try to up my own self awareness, and the journey has been scary and super rewarding. Here are the three things I started doing to help me boost my understanding of how people see really me, and hopefully get better as a leader and colleague.
Share your performance review with people you know/trust. At one point a couple years back my boss/mentor said I needed to work on my listening skills— particularly letting people know I valued and heard them. I joked to him later “I know you wanted me to improve on something, but need you to repeat it!” (Stupid performance review humor, I know.) Joking aside, this was difficult for me to swallow. I listened! Sure I talk a lot, but that’s just because I just get excited about a topic someone raises. I’m enthusiastic! Once I got past my defensiveness, I decided to share the feedback with someone I trust to tell me the truth. You know your friend who tells you about the spinach in your teeth and not to wear those polka dot socks (or any socks) with sandals? That person. And I had her read the whole review and write in her own words what she would say and to add in other developmental areas she thought were missing. I figured writing it would make it less weird for her. And she actually added more to it. With examples. Man did it sting to read what I needed to work on, but I was also so excited to know and really understand it. It actually blew my mind. I started to comb through my reviews—the positive and negative feedback, and then add an overlay of “this is how I want to be known.” I went back to my boss and colleague and asked them to react to it. I framed it as “I am trying to understand my blind spots and build better self-awareness, which helped open up the depth of feedback and people’s willingness to say something that I might find difficult to hear. This annual experience has become a ritual.
Feedback is a gift. That led me to my next big step towards trying to improve my self-awareness. Instead of waiting for the annual review to hear from others, what if I started giving and asking for feedback all the time? My theory was that if I could model the open, direct (with love) feedback I was hoping to receive, people would get used to it and play ball with me. I wanted to build trust that it was okay to say something real and potentially thorny. It worked! The experiment kicked off when I started working with a new boss and after a meeting, I immediately called her and then asked if we could “process” what we just experienced. I asked her to go first and mirrored what she said so I understood it. (See how coachable I am? Listening!) I paid attention to whether what she saw differed from how I saw things. I asked the question, how could this have been extraordinary, and followed up with how could I have helped contribute to that exceptional result? I also gave her feedback in the same format. It became a habit, and I started to absorb subtle and direct cues from people, and then see the benefits of a team that operated with transparency and candor.
Be curious about what’s downstream. The last thing I tried to do to improve my self-awareness, was dig into the details of what happens after a big decision, meeting, or conversation happens. The goal is to not only understand how people interpret the discussion or activity (or whatever, see "Feedback is a Gift" above), but what actually happens as a result, particularly any unintended consequences that arise because of something I unintentionally said or did. One way I tackled this goal was when I was running a large conference and held all hands meetings on a very frequent basis. I created a custom Sharepoint site which tracked our agendas as a custom list, and then would make sure to review decisions made from previous sessions, holding a discussion of how it was going and what was a pain point they were encountering. This unearthed some interesting lessons for me. I learned that my comment, for example, that my favorite dress color was plum, produced an entire design scheme of Barney-purple everything. The team wanted me happy, but were frustrated because I kept rejecting their designs (love purple, but not THAT much). I asked why this same color, and when they told me about my dress comment, I realized that I didn't give enough direction on what I wanted, which left them guessing what I liked based on throw away comments and assumptions. I realized I needed to get better about giving clear, concise instructions. Another example was when I requested an "instant" art installation at an event as a surprise to the attendees, and the team then spent too much time chasing down problems to overcome because I fixated on the surprise element. Once we revisited the topic in our all hands meeting, my innocent "walk me through the steps to create the instant pop up art gallery?" unearthed frustration and roadblocks that were making them crazy. I learned that the comment of "instant' and "surprise" was causing the team unnecessary work and stress. We dug in, talked it out, and then decided on a different approach. I had no idea how difficult or wasteful the request was, and through digging in, we formed a better, more impactful, less stressful plan together.
Being a self-aware colleague and leader is not easy. Frankly, I worry often that I am missing major cues and impacts my decisions and even minor quips might have. I'm not a mind reader, so the best way I know to stay grounded is to swallow my ego and create a space where feedback is given, and show my gratitude and ability to act on what I learn. I am by no means an expert. But thankfully, I have a ton of people to remind me of this, and help me see what I'm missing!
